Monday, October 21, 2013

Everybody Knows that You'd Break Your Neck to Keep Your Chin Up

Long before the deployment began, I made a deal with myself that I would try to bear this time away from Scott with as much grace and dignity as I could. I didn't want people to hear me grumbling and complaining. I didn't want to make comments that made people feel sorry for me or at least, tried to get them to.

There is this somewhat unspoken rule that as the military spouse who's left waiting, it's obviously your job to hold down the home front. Not only does that mean you handle any trials that come by yourself, but you also keep them to yourself. Your other half is away and with the dangers of the job, they really don't need to be worrying about how things are going back home. So you wear a brave face. And you may mention something in passing, but you never let it seem like a big deal and you make it known that it's taken care of.

So that's what I've done. And for two months, I have felt fine. Of course I miss my husband. But I haven't let it get to me. I stay busy and I take one day at time. Knowing each day is one closer to the homecoming.

Eventually, the days start to wear on you. And not having an outlet for it means it just lies simmering under the surface. And that's when you have a "bad deployment day." Nothing necessarily even goes wrong on this day. You just wake up with this aching in your heart. The kind that makes it feel like the tiniest of pinpricks will send you over the edge. 

Today is one of those days for me. For the first time since Zero Day, I let myself cry a little over this deployment. 

And you know what....some days you just need it. I'm sure tomorrow I will go back to enduring this deployment with whatever strength and dignity I can muster. But some days, you break your neck just to keep your chin up.

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